What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:03
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I don,t even have a pension.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do very skinny girls get more male attention if it is true that men like curves?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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She wouldn,t have been !
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is soul school!.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i lived it daily.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I said to her
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I will be 64.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I write beautiful poetry .
He knew the spot.
I was 9 years of age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She found it foreign!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Would this be the day?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is how, and why children get BPD.